No More Sugar Coating; Let's Be Real

How many times can one reinvent the self? Is it only at obvious, pivotal points such as after high school graduation, after thirty, after a divorce, after a recovery from an illness or major life crisis? Or is going through transformation a personal thing that is a unique experience for everyone?

For the most part, I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm in my early thirties, I'm building a creative career that I love, I'm family oriented, I'm happily single and have amazing friends, and I love my apartment, including my pets! Mmmmm.... That sounds real nice, but it's not all true! Let the fun begin....

Although I love getting older and wiser, in my profession, (an artist singer/songwriter) women are expected to lie about their true age by saying that their much younger. "Knock off at least five years when you reveal your age", they say. So if I'm 32, I should make people believe that I'm 27. How insulting!!! I think, anyway. In my opinion, telling people your age is like telling people your ethnicity to be accepted by some group or audience. What it suggests is that they need to see how they will market & sell you to a specific demographic, and so if you can't be fit into a box that guarantees an audience's attention, then it's too risky to work with you. In other words, they need guarantees. And with younger girls (singers), they have more time to experiment with them, they're easier to manipulate and follow direction, and they appear more attractive, therefore have more longevity in the sex appeal department. Nevertheless, I hate lying about my age so I tend to keep it a secret. Although I'm getting quite sick of repressing my true self when I should be proud to be healthy, happy, and fabulous in my early thirties. Why lie about that?

Secondly... I mentioned that I'm building a career that I love... Well, yes, that's true. I love being creative. But I don't love how people step on toes to get to where they want to be. It really takes time before a persons true colors show. And after all, business is business - so they say. In fact, the higher up the ladder one climbs, the more one must take their time before saying "Yes" to presenting opportunities because they get trickier and more deceptive. Not to mention, the political relationships that you must nurture because if you piss off the wrong person, the consequences have a ripple effect that can last for a very long time. What's sadder, is that you can be a 100%, absolutely right!!! But it doesn't matter if you're right, because people don't want to burn bridges with certain influential power players, (who although they may be manipulative, cut throat & greedy) they still want a relationship with them! A slave to the master, if you will.

Here's one of my favorites! I said that I'm family oriented. Oh yes... I definitely am. But there are certain relatives whom I ADORE TO THE CORE (heart & soul), but then there are those who have been so toxic to my spirit, that they've literally infected my well being with stress & trauma. I don't hate them because I understand some of the reasons behind their personal spiritual battles, but I learned a valuable lesson: you can't get sick enough to heal someone else... (Quote from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer) Therefore, remove yourself from toxic environments so that you can heal yourself, even if that means staying away from certain family members who bring you down. Abuse of any form is never acceptable. So connect only with the relatives that empower you and forget about the ones who don't. They have their own journey to take.

Okay... Then I mentioned how I'm happily single and have wonderful friends!!! I have to laugh out loud for this one! Hahahaha... There, I got it off my chest! That's it...

No, I'm kidding. There's more. I highly love the friends I've built relationships with, but is it just me, or is it easier to maintain friendships than romantic relationships? Gosh... They're so much work. And the older I get, the less patience I have to stick around. I bask in my freedom, I love my alone time, and I even get things done faster and more efficiently when I do them alone. Or have I just gotten so used to being single, that I'm scared to share my time with someone? I've even feared the worst: Am I becoming overly judge mental? How can I learn to truly love another human being in a romantic relationship if I'm not sure if whether my standards are too high or too low? Where do I draw the line of compromise? And how do I find balance between giving and receiving? (Don't wanna be a doormat, but don't wanna be selfish either) I'm so used to having long conversations with the ladies, drinking wine and eating out, that they have substituted my need for a companion. As in... The opposite sex companion. Is that okay? Or am I missing something?

Last but not least... I mentioned how I love my apartment & my pets. Well yes!!! I've painted the kitchen walls lavender, and the living room is a sandy beige. I have wall pictures of colorful & exotic flowers, I have a hanging plant, bamboo window shades, pretty vases and a book shelf with my favorite titles. So my home is definitely cozy and suits my personality. (And I never put on my living room light because I only use my floor lamp & candles for a dim effect) But I fear... That as much as I squeeze & kiss my cats all day long, that I am suffocating them with my love because I live alone. Lol... It sounds funny but I'm not sure if it is. Shit, even they have each other! Yep, I have two cats that I adopted with my ex-boyfriend in Los Angeles, CA five years ago. When we split up, I brought the cats back with me to New York because I'm their mother, and there was no way I was parting ways with them. Since then, I've spent many holidays with them, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, and even Valentines Day! And what's crazy, is that one of the first things I ask guys on a date is, "Are you allergic to cats?" Because if they are, we might have a problem. Since the kitties are a part of my package ;) So... What makes a house (or an apartment) a home? The answer is simple: Love - starting with self-love... and in my case, my love has overflowed into my cats which makes us a family.

Now... Back to this spiritual transformational thingy. Since lately I've been a little unsatisfied with certain things in my life, I'm beginning to yearn for a change. An inner change. And I don't quite know how I'm going to embark on this adventure, but I do believe it starts with facing some of my fears and doing things that might make me feel a little uncomfortable. Isn't that a part of growth? First off, believe it or not, revealing my age in this blog was a little uncomfortable for me, partly because I don't work by myself and other people may have wanted me to keep my age a secret. Yes, the decisions I make effect other people too. But for Christ's sake!!! Why should a woman have to be ashamed of her age when it should be a celebration? And secondly, I've learned that the power of forgiveness is miraculous however, it takes two to forgive. So when it comes to dealing with relatives, if there are certain family members (1 or more) who are still holding grudges or haven't changed their ways, I no longer take full responsibility in trying to fix or heal a situation single handedly on my own. The only person I am responsible for is myself because I can't choose for other people. The choice is up to the individual. And my home... Well, lets just say that sometimes moving into a new neighborhood, a new city, or even with a new person can make all the difference in the world. I think I feel a change coming... And I think day by day, the universe is preparing me for it. What about you?